MEET THE FEZZES!

MEET THE FEZZES....a perfectly normal well adjusted all American family!!

There's Mr Fez, newly retired from Sandoz Pharmaceuticals,  where he was Guinea Pig in Chief for over 20 years. Before that he spent 15 years at the US Army Bacterialogical and Chemical Weapons Research and Development department,  rising to Lance Target ( First Class) He's now an accomplished painter,  specialising in abstract crayon and photo collages.

Mrs Fez, long suffering housewife and ex executive assistant for DCI 

Their 19 year old daughter,  Mary Pinchot Fez, a freshman at Langley Community College, and their 9 year old son,  James Jesus Fez, is in 3rd grade at the Reinhard Gehlen Military Academy. 

Not forgetting the less conventional members of the family,  living at 1963 Mockingbird Lane.
There's Allen, the ghost of the little green man who died when his flying saucer crashed at Roswell,  back in July 1947. He haunts the upstairs toilet,  Allen spent nearly 40 years sleeping inside Clover Dulles' reinforced girdle, until Fezzo accidentally released him, after he bought the said undergarment in a job lot of similar CIA related lingerie on Ebay. 

Then there's the mysterious Mr X, vagrant,  habitual flasher , convicted  paedophile,  glue sniffer and crack doppelgangerist, Fezzos research mentor. They met when they were both working as guinea pigs for the Bill Gates Eugenics Institute. Mr X lives in the trash cans behind Mockingbird Lane,  although he has a "bachelor pad" in the waste disposal system outside the girls locker room at Langley Falls Finishing School, on nearby John Hinkley Avenue...

Not forgetting the neighbours, there's the Von Klinkerhoffens at No 1945, an elderly Swiss couple,  a retired physician and his wife Ilsa Koch Klinkerhoffer, , the 94 year old Mrs Freekowski at 1960, a retired postmistress/ CIA assassin tasked with eliminating Fezzo,  before he uncovers the troof ( according to Fezzo) and the Gilbrides,  a flamboyant metrosexual gay couple from Boston who own a thriving interior design company 

NOW WITHOUT FURTHER ADO LETS MEET THE FEZZES!!

Its lunchtime at 1963 Mockingbird Lane,  thin shafts of sunlight struggle through the reinforced steel girders and complex alarm system crisscrossing the kitchen window,  illuminating the kitchen table where Fezzo sits hunched. Scribbling frantically. The formica surface is covered in crayons and piles of old discoloured photos,  most have been defaced by what look like crude, vaguely occultic symbolism. 

Mrs Fez, newly returned from the shopping,  having spent the past two hours being interrogated,  strip searched,  probed, scanned, de and re chipped and given an intensive,  highly intrusive series of internal examinations comes tiptoeing into the kitchen. 

Fezzo looks up, and grunts. Mrs Fez pauses nervously. Studying her husband who is engrossed in his frenetic doodling. The signs aren't too promising. His tongue is hanging out,  there's a thick crust of yellowish drool round his chapped purple lips while his eyes; glazed and glaring are redder than the battered fez clinging precariously to his unkempt mop of greasy grey black hair. 

This can only mean one thing: he's discovered where she hid his stash of toxic crayons. And he's been eating them again. 

Mrs Fez " whaddya doing sweetie? I'm just back from Walmart,  I checked in at 11 45 34 precisely and passed through the routine scanning, decontamination and debugging. By the way we need to get batteries for the metal detector,  and another chief medical interrogator"( shudders) " this new one has awful cold hands. Also, I met Larry Gilbride,  Dickie does have inflamed haemorrhoids,  I'm pretty sure he wasn't conducting surveillance from his bathroom window "

Fezzo ( looking up, indistinct grunt) " Lemme see your hands, and your fingernails,  was that black Prius still parked on the corner of Stripling High Street? And what about those white pick up trucks? And that " ice cream truck?"

Mrs Fez ( sighs, emptying her shopping into separate pre sterilised hermetically sealed plastic containers) " I conducted full external surveillance "

Fezzo ( growling ) " What about internal surveillance you stupid fucking disinfo cow?"

Mrs Fez ( opening a tin of spaghetti ) " Listen sweetie,  our neighbours have been really understanding,  they've had to put up with a lot, especially when Jimmy found those prototype X ray googles your buddy Sanford made you, not to mention his experimental DIY self vasectomy  and mastoidectomy kit, but I'm not going to ask to examine a 90 year old man's prostate or conduct a full body cavity search on his 89 year old wife, and the 94 year old widow who lives next door,  the Gilbrides are another matter, they actually seem to look forward to your tri weekly probings,  by the way Walmart was clean out of rubber gloves and spatulas,  and remember you're up in court tomorrow "

Fezzo " We're living in an Orwellian nightmare,  a monstrous Illuminati new world order police state, first they came for the Patriots,   then the troofers, then next it'll be FEMA concentration camps and mass extermination,  I'm a martyr, an innocent victim of the brutal totalitarian state "

Mrs Fez " Hmmm sweetie you tried to tazer a 94 year old widow before trying to conduct a full internal probing with her own wooden leg"

Fezzo " You dumb CIA slut, there was a 3 foot Hungarian polyglot midget hiding under her skirt, taking covert snapshots of me with the minox camera Ruth Paine sent him from Nicaragua "

Mrs Fez ( slicing a loaf of bread,  in a long suffering groan) " Honey, she is a 94 year old widow and an ex post mistress,  remember you used to pick up your Covert Action Bulletin from her post office?"

Fezzo ( snarling) " She's been replaced I tells you,  you fucking dumb sheeple,  she's a doppelganger,  a trained assassin,  hand picked by Colonel Boris Pash and sent to the Illusory Warfare School out at Nags Head with HARVEY and Tosh Plumlee,  either she kills me or I out her by finishing the collages I'm doing "

Mrs Fez ( resigned sigh, rolling her eyes she discreetly removes a tiny vial of capsules from under her tongue) " Whaddya doing anyway? Another picture,  still experimenting with minimalistic gibberish? Just don't do what Van Gogh did, and cut off your micro whatsits,  they all thought  he was mad too..Oh Fezzo why have you given poor old mr rhinoceros  those nasty fluorescent purple bubos and those hideous luminous yellow spots, the CIA didn't infect your Mr Whippy milkshakes with botulinum toxin and dengue fever,  and why is mr hippopotamus playing the accordion? I don't think rhinos have horns down there honey, and I'm pretty sure hippos don't mate like that "

Fezzo ( shrieking,  veins popping) " You ignorant fucking COINTELPRO slag, I'm working on my latest scientific photo analysis,  comparing  LEE Oswalds 1959 passport photo with this other photo Benjamin Cole sent me( starts getting aggressive) " Walmart my CIA probed arse! You were out meeting with your COINTELPRO handler , its  still Len Colby,  right,  admit it! You're still doing the horizontal doppelbang with Craig fucking Lampson,  is it because his montages are bigger than mine? 10% of adult American males have micro penises,  it's not my fault my mother was blackmailed by a CIA obstetrician,  who sliced off lil Fez, they wanted to turn me into the next David Ferrie " ( begins foaming and salivating,  suddenly he leans forward and starts screaming into the kettle) " are you boys out at Langley getting this? Am I coming through loud and clear Lance and Tracy,  let's all have a big laugh at David Josephs micro penis ( begins sobbing) " it's the Camp Chubby Bugger incident all over again,  why mommy why? Why send your little DeeDee to fat camp?"

Mrs Fez ( having already emptied half the vial into a saucepan full of bubbling spaghetti she pauses again,  looks down at the blubbering heap slumped at the table, wailing " why why why?" in between snivels and messy snotters,  she recoils with visible horror as Fezzo eagerly scoops up a large vivid green snotter off his sleeve with his furred tongue , swallowing it enthusiastically,  before emptying the rest of the vial into the saucepan) " There There Fezzo,  it's a lovely drawing,  I'll put it up on the refrigerator,  beside the Apotheosis of HARVEY Oswald,  the 2nd Judyth and LEE Harvey Holfernes,  St HARVEY Peter and the 2nd Mary Magdalene discovering the empty tomb after SPQR operative Joseph of Arimathea stole the body of LEE Harvey Christ to be doppelganged,  and Francisco HARVEY Goyas portrait of the 2nd Ferdinand VII, do you want me to go get blankie? Or your HARVEY in the box? Or will I put on your favourite The Men Who Killed Kennedy DVD?"

Fezzo (Sniffing,  with a mouth full of purple crayon) Shakes his head " Want my lunch " starts sucking his thumb

Mrs Fez  " If you're a very good little Fez and give me those nasty old toxic crayons I'll make you your favourite "

Fezzo ( brightly) " alphabet spaghetti with the  C I and As taken out? And toast soldiers with anatomically accurate head sizes ?"

Mrs Fez " That's right( sotto voce) " and enough fucking ritalin to stun a whole herd of purple spotted rhinoceroses,  but you have to give me those crayons,  I've put some of your favourite Sesame Street non toxic crayons in your nursery,  beside the dolls house you like to play with "

Fezzo ( belligerent ) " Not a dolls house,  not playing,  practicing the drill for when the FEMA stormtroopers come to round us up" ( begins munching another crayon, a red one, just like his fez) 

Mrs Fez " If you don't give me those horrid crayons I'll make sure your toast LEEs have the same sized heads as your toast HARVEYs. What about the nightmares? Waking up in the boot of Ruth Paines station wagon,  remember? After Ruth and Linnie Mae drugged you and took you to a furniture shop? Remember what happened in the bedroom showroom? Plus we don't want horrible old Mr Peepee to come visiting again? Big boys don't wear rubber diapers at night,  do they?"

Fezzo ( mouth stuffed full of multi coloured crayons,  splattering and drooling like the time Stevie Gaal went militant doppelgangering in an M and Ms warehouse) " You despicable CIA harlot,  I told you all about MK Plastic Sheets,  even sent a letter to Henry Kissinger and Mr Bilderberger,  signed DaViD JoSePhS aged 64 3/4s, the CIA are trying to control the bladders of America, trying to make us troofers peepee ourselves into oblivion,  do you think it's a coincidence? Jim,  Sandy,  Brian,  the two Johns and me all pissing our beds simultaneously? Here( flings the crayons on the floor)" Don't want them anymore anyway!! Sanford promised to send me some magic crayons made in Utah out of angels pubic hair "

Mrs Fez ( serving up the spaghetti into a special plastic bowl,  with blunt plastic cutlery) " That's a good little Fez, finish your lunch then I'll read you some more of " Texas in the Morning " your favourite fairy tale "

Fezzo " the bit where LBJ meets with Allen Dulles and Dick Nixon to arrange the hit?"

Mrs Fez " of course sweetie,  then I'll get blankie and HARVEY Dumpty and you can go for a nice nap. A nice long nap"

FIN

Be sure to tune in next week for more madcap adventures and fun and games with the Fezzes at 1963 Mockingbird Lane.  Little Jimmy Fez has escaped from boarding school,  while Mary Pinchot Fez brings her new boyfriend,  David Atlee Phillips III home to meet the folks. 

And Fezzo is NOT amused

Any similarities to living or ( brain) dead is purely intentional

Friday Night is date night at 1963 Mockingbird Lane..

And tonight Mr and Mrs Fez are off to the local bowling alley...

Mrs Fez stops at the traffic lights at the corner of Lucein Sarti Boulevard and,  realising Fezzo hasn't kicked her seat or bawled " Are we there yet?" for at least 5 minutes she peers suspiciously into the rear view mirror. While giving the air a dubious sniff 

Fezzo is still safely strapped into his ACME Big Boi urine resistant reinforced  polyurethane seat, and there's no tell tale dark stain on the crotch of his favourite grey Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles sweatpants. 

Mrs Fez was just about to heave a sigh of relief and turn her attention back to driving,, not before shooting a wary sidelong glance at the black Lexus 4×4, " Has it been following us since we took a right on Stemmons Freeway?" she wonders,  before her thoughts are interrupted by a muffled giggle. 

Glancing round with a nervous frown she catches Fezzo frantically scribbling away on the etch a sketch enabled iPhone their daughter,  Mary Pinchot Fez, got him last Christmas 

Mrs Fez " Whaddya doing sweetie? Its date night remember? I thought we agreed? No doodling "

Fezzo ( snarling) " you mean my highly scientific deep political research that's going to bring the military industrial congressional complex to it's knees?"

Mrs Fez " whatever sweetie,  and don't pout, it makes you look like Jackie Gleason "

Fezzo ( muttering caustically) " who was a fucking CIA stooge you dumb disinfo bitch, Allen told me Tricky Dicky took him to the hangar out at Wright Patterson to see the body of his cousin and his flying saucer "

Mrs Fez ( groans) " It's date night sweetie,  y'know? we're going 10 pin bowling,  have a laugh,  a few drinks and who knows,  if you're a good little Fez I'll even let you try the magic cock extension your buddy Ben sent you from Bangkok,  I don't want to hear about Eisenhower meeting with 8 foot Nordic aliens in 1954"

Fezzo ( sulkily) " it was 1953 you dopey slut"

Mrs Fez ( pretending to ignore him) " Anyway whatcha doing with your etch a sketch phone?"

Fezzo " Not telling " begins kicking the back of Mrs Fez's seat 

Mrs Fez " Fine, I'll just turn this car right round  and  go straight back home and call Dr Neiderhut,  then your buddy Chris,  tell him a certain someone has been a very naughty little Fez indeed so the sleepover is cancelled "

Fezzo ( moody pout dissolves into petulant sobs) " Not fair! Not fair! Me and Chris going to build a Lego Dealey Plaza, measure the limo stop and prove mathema...Matthew matterly,  St LEE Matthew actually...do a lot of really complicated sums and everything to prove the extant films are all fakey wakey...like jakey old Mr X" begins giggling 

Mrs Fez " Fine, I'm going to turn this car right round,  I'll send you straight to bed and call Dr Neiderhut and ask him to give you an extra big injection "

Fezzo ( sniffing) " sorry mommy Fez, I was just sending Chris a diagram,  trying to figure out why it's called 10 pin bowling,  Chris came up with this really neat code, you multiply Jim Fetzers inside leg measurements by how many doppelgangers were inside the TSBD and..and" puzzled silence " I'm not sure what comes next, something about 6 geese a laying,  or 6 Sanibelites a laying geese and the 5 gold rings HARVEY wore in the Texas Theatre, I wondered if 10 pin bowling was significant..."

Mrs Fez " Chris was a lonely child,  wasn't he?"

Fezzo " Very "

Theres a loud persistent chorus of honking car horns, not too dissimilar to the sound made by the unfortunate geese when the 6 burly Sanibelites went a laying 

Driver of the black Lexus " Hey you dumb broad the light turned green ages ago"

Mrs Fez blushes and gives an apologetic smile before hurriedly driving off

Fezzo " Check ahead for snipers I think he was part of the pre assassination set up team. Ever since desloped LEEs shoulders I've been a marked man. Fletcher Prouty warned me about this" Fezzo" he said " if you keep dressing up like Karen Kupcinet you'll end up like Karen Kupcinet,  just another statistic on Penn Jones's Mysterious Deaths List " " leaning forward he peers out the window at the blurry outlines of shuttered buildings looming out the velvety blackness

" Yep, perfect triangulation of fire, did that guys accent sound Russian or Texan ? "

Suddenly there's a soft gushing sound,  like a mountain stream gurgling merrily,  or Dickie G having a surreptitious glug glug of turps after daubing " Death to the Hoaxers" in 10 foot stark black gothic script on the wall of the nursery he was hired to paint 

The car fills with a pungent acrid stench

Fezzo blushes, his plump cheeks turning even redder than his shiny new fez,  and after dabbling the newly formed stain with his pudgy  fingers ,he shoves them greedily under his nose and takes a long eager sniff , before giggling to himself " I done peepee in my pants "

Mrs Fez ( long suffering sigh) " Oh Fezzo not again,  what have I told you about eating those toxic crayons?"

To be continued..Find out what happens when Fezzo thinks he discovers a tracking device in his bowling ball....and will Chris's calculations come in handy after all?

Find out on the next episode of MEET THE FEZZES

Could  there be the pitter patter of tiny fezettes filling the gloomy vault like dungeon cellars of 1963 Mockingbird Lane in 9 months time?

We'll soon find out!! Yes, folks it's time to banish all rational thought and stick two fingers up at the well known NWO Illuminati stooge, critical acuity,  because it's time to 

MEET THE FEZZES!!

Entering the grimly antiseptic decontamination chamber,  much to her amazement Mrs Fez finds the place deserted. 

No sign of Dr Garcia Sanchez ( a spindly arthritic husk of a man,  who looked far older than the sprightly 24 year old blonde woman smiling out of the photo,  pasted suspiciously ( and familiarly) clumsily into " his" Paraguayan passport,  come to think of it,  in her albeit  limited  experience,  24 year old Paraguayan interns don't usually have a gravelly toothless rasp,  nor do they speak English with a curiously Teutonic accent,  or call everyone " Mein leiben herren "), at his desk, in his dingy office, Mrs Fez couldn't  help shivering at the vicious assortment of " medical " paraphernalia grinning up at her with their sharply serrated teeth,  not even in the cramped operating theatre he had rigged up, Mrs Fez gave an involuntary shudder as she looked down at the blood splattered plastic upholstery and the antiquated anaesthetic equipment,  glittering evilly in the dank fetid air..

No sign of anyone. The " Thai" medical orderlies , with their scars, tattoos,  Caucasian scimitars and bandits swagger, or the guards, in their shiny black PVC tunics, also supposedly from Thailand,  allegedly part of a " work experience programme " Fezzo's chum, Benjamin , had organised. 

Walking down the rubber floors, trying to ignore the persistent glare of the countless surveillance cameras and slightly menacing gleam from the curiously phallic  nozzles  of the chloroform dispensers, shimmering like the sharpened teeth of the newly discovered Barnie Constrictor snake  ready to spurt out gas on any unauthorised intruder, Mrs Fez gave a sigh of relief,  noticing the Uzi submachine guns and AK47 assault rifles the guards usually carry,  were still locked safely in the armory. 

Stopping to gaze wistfully at what used to be the lounge,  she curses the day Fezzo discovered the Deep Politics forum,  with a plaintive sigh she remembers  her husband coming bounding in, brandishing a large book, " Honey" she recalls him burbling ecstatically,  " wanna hear something that'll really blow your mind? There were actually TWO Lee Harvey Oswalds "

Barely able to suppress the tears she felt welling, and fingering the appointment slip Dr Gottliebs  buxom secretary had handed her with a knowing look, an eternity,  or 45 minutes ago, she took a deep breath and walked towards the kitchen door,  taking long measured, determined strides, and trying to ignore her own distorted fun house reflection in the thick reinforced steel rivets that scar their kitchen door,  the way the smallpox had scarred her face the year Fezzo bought Christmas crackers home from the Aberdeen Proving Grounds...

The reinforced steel and concrete,  not to mention the extensive rubber padding,  installed at great expense by a specialist contractor from Sanibel Island, means she cannot hear the muffled sound of agitated high pitched voices..

Expecting to be greeted by the all too familiar sight of her husband,  hunched at the kitchen table,  scrawling maniacally. 

The kitchen door gave a heavy creak , reminding her of the time, Allen, and trust Fezzo to end up getting himself haunted by a little green ghost from Zeta Reticuli!, the not  too restless spirit, who hangs around their upstairs toilet,  about the most apathetic psychic manifestation since Fezzo claimed he was being visited " astrally" by the missing 9.45 inches of his 0.05 inch micro penis,  supposedly hacked off by a CIA obstetrician , contracted ectoplasmic arthritis , and  walking in,  Mrs Fez got the shock of her life..

Instead of hunched at the table,  scribbling away in a hectic paranoid frenzy, with the remains of a semi masticated crayon dribbling down his chin, Fezzo was standing,  ashen faced, with his trousers round his ankles,  sobbing piteously as their next door neighbour,  Dickie Gilbride,  voted Langley Falls interior designer of the year,  for 5 years running,  a notoriously voracious homosexual who has driven his erstwhile husband,  Larry, to the brink of suicide,  and beyond,  with his insatiable promiscuity,  " Honey" she recalls Dickie saying at one of his infamous barbecues,  " putting me in a nightclub full of fit men is like putting Fezzo in Allen Dulles ' sock drawer" is squatting before him, a depraved glint in his sunken turpentine sozzled grey eyes 

Dickie,  tastefully dressed in a luminous yellow suede jumpsuit,  open to the waist to reveal to thick blonde merkins sprouting round a large gold medallion,  was crouched on his hands and knees, listening to the stethoscope  he had jammed to his ears, and pressed hungrily against Fezzos uncorseted gut with his eager octopus like fingers...

Seeing his wife, Fezzo turned round,  his face looking hollow and drawn,  his eyes looked like the morning after a sleepless night of crayon detox. In a barely audible stammer he blurts out the terrible news..

Fezzo " Bill Cooper was right, it wasn't just fluoride the Company poisoned the water with but highly advanced bio engineered compounds designed to turn us all into partheogenetic mutants"

Mrs Fez " what the fuck are you talking about "

Dickie " it means buckle up honey, Fezzo here is going to have a baby "

Fezzo " He's right,  the CIA have brutally desexed me and turned me into a walking experiment "

Dickie ( peering down Fezzos bright purple Spiderman y fronts under his breath) " honey, I wouldn't be too worried,  looky like soldier boy here didn't have too much sex to " de" in the first place "

Fezzo " I'm pregnant,  I'm going to be a mommy " starts sobbing uncontrollably 

Mrs Fez bursts out laughing. Waving the doctors letter above her head 

Mrs Fez " you silly Fez! You didn't go poo poo for two days so I went to see Dr Gottlieb,  apparently Dr Neiderhut is away at his class reunion "

Mrs Fez,  Fezzo and Dickie  all turn to the camera  " We're contractually obliged to inform you all that Dr Neiderhut attended Harvard Medical School,  class of 83 to be exact. "

Mrs Fez " as I was saying,  I went to see Dr Gottlieb and do you know what he said? Eating toxic crayons can cause serious intestinal problems,  constipation and bloating "

Fezzo " So I'm not pregnant after all, but Dickie? What about the results of your colonoscopy and your  manual  prostate examination?"

Dickie ( shrugging his shoulders, he stands up , puts his stethoscope round his neck and begins flouncing off, over his shoulder, the most successful Parthian shot, since Barnie Sans Avoir,  the tone deaf troubadour/ geostrategic crusade consultant,  at the Horns of Hattin, " Hey, Saladin,  suck on my full spectrum dominance ") " Honey, I wouldn't be going getting your medical advice from a handsome stud who thinks JFK was assassinated by a cabal of minimum wage warehouse grunts,  doppelgangers and space aliens"

Fezzo " so I'm not pregnant " doleful sob " I was so embarrassed I dismissed the guards , the medical orderlies and even Dr Garcia Sanchez.." his head droops,  causing his Fez to clatter onto the floor 

Mrs Fez " about Dr Garcia Sanchez honey..."

Fezzo doesn't hear her. Shuffling slowly across the kitchen he disappears into the hall..

Fezzo " I'll be in the nursery watching all 28 installments of Jim Fetzers 2003 Zapruder Film Symposium on YouTube,  is it okay if you de contaminate and debug yourself you stupid disin...ah what's the point "

Mrs Fez is alone in the kitchen,  except of course for the invasive whirring of the surveillance cameras and the heat sensitive bio recording systems..

With a heartfelt sigh, the sort usually reserved for calls from Matron Beckett,  after Fezzo has been a naughty boy at the local conspiracy kindergarten,  she looks down at the doctors letter,  she can barely read the words " pregnancy test negative " through her tears, crumpling the paper she walks over to the shredder,  before reaching in to the top cupboard,  for the bottle of 180% proof vodka Fezzos old friend,  the curiously named, evil evil evil Tommy Graves brought back from his holiday at the Lubyanka 

Next time on MEET THE FEZZES,  Fezzos in laws are in town,  and the General and his wife have some stunning news...