Choose Search Type
Search
 
 

Display results as :
 


Rechercher Advanced Search

Latest topics
» ROKC Lampoon
Today at 4:14 pm by Stan Dane

» Shirley Temple is Prayer Man According to Duncan McRae
Today at 2:01 pm by steely dan

» Prayer Man Vs Sasquatch
Today at 1:23 pm by steely dan

» The Bold and the Italics
Yesterday at 9:06 am by greg parker

» The Eighth Naval District
Thu 08 Dec 2016, 11:33 pm by Hasan Yusuf

» Send Lawyers Guns & Money Pt2
Thu 08 Dec 2016, 8:08 pm by barto

» Send Lawyers Guns & Money Pt1
Thu 08 Dec 2016, 11:58 am by barto

» JFK Assassination
Thu 08 Dec 2016, 7:15 am by jack ferguson

» Lifton on his "new evidence"
Thu 08 Dec 2016, 4:47 am by steely dan

Log in

I forgot my password

Social bookmarking

Social bookmarking Digg  Social bookmarking Delicious  Social bookmarking Reddit  Social bookmarking Stumbleupon  Social bookmarking Slashdot  Social bookmarking Furl  Social bookmarking Yahoo  Social bookmarking Google  Social bookmarking Blinklist  Social bookmarking Blogmarks  Social bookmarking Technorati  

Bookmark and share the address of REOPENKENNEDYCASE on your social bookmarking website

Bookmark and share the address of REOPENKENNEDYCASE on your social bookmarking website

RSS feeds


Yahoo! 
MSN 
AOL 
Netvibes 
Bloglines 


Affiliates
free forum
 



HAYDELL: A Modern Folk Tale

View previous topic View next topic Go down

HAYDELL: A Modern Folk Tale

Post by greg parker on Sun 21 Aug 2011, 9:27 pm

Written 8 years ago... reprised here with in slightly updated form...

HAYDELL: A Modern Folk Tale
Part I: New York Adventures

Ozzie Haydell had two older brothers and no father. Or he had one brother and one half brother and two fathers.

But anyway, it was his mother's fault. He slept with her. Never mind that they lived in a closet.

They moved to New York. It was so's Haydell could have his head shrunk by one o' them fancy New York headshrinkers. His mother had let this slip to a neighbour. Haydell liked animals, and New York had a good zoo. It was called the Bronx.

But it was only sheer luck Haydell ever got to see a headshrinker at all.

Or was it?

It happened like this: Haydell and his mother moved in with one of the brothers and his brother's wife. The brother's mother-in-law went to visit her sister, and now there was room. Only temporary, mind.

A good Southern boy, he wore Levis and called Truancy Officers "Damn Yankees!" But no one noticed that little half smile. Not yet.

His mother shreiked. The TV. The knife. The brother's wife!

They had to leave. The half-brother (for that, in reality, was all he was)
said so.

Or maybe it was the sister-in-law. Or brother-in-law.

Or the Tooth Fairy.

At 13, rebellion set in. Haydell refused to salute the flag at school. Now and then, he skipped school altogether. God knows where he got to on those days.

Evenings though, were nearly always spent watching Bugs Bunny and reading comics. Inevitably, the system caught up. He had to go to court. Flags must be saluted. And though Bugs had been patriotic during the war, lately he was acting kinda subversive. Moreover, just what was the subtext in those comics? Whatever it was, it was disgusting to the moral fibre. The court ordered him to see the court clinic psychiatrist, Dr Kurious. Dr Kurious wrote his report.

The court made its ruling. Haydell needed to be treated, and so was put in a home for Youth Who Refuse to Salute the Flag. Comics were to blame. Dr Vormhole had been been warning the nation for a couple of years. Had a best seller on the subject.

And boy, did he ever stir up the mothers. They were just fit to be tied: "We don't like our kids being exposed to crime or horror. Kids get enough reality at home."

PunC (Politically Uncorrect) Comics outsold all other comics five to one. Dr Vormhole had a deal going. He had some pull. Senators jumped on board the Vormhole Express.

The senators formed a subcomittee. They hired Vormhole. They also hired Dr Horace Puck, who, may lightning strike me down if I tell a lie, was the boss of Dr Kurious (whose report on the young Haydell, had by now, disappeared from the court records).

Meanwhile, over in the home for Youth Who Refuse to Salute the Flag, young Haydell was being examined by Dr Warthogz. And he too, wrote a report. This one did survive. It would later be very a much appreciated document.

Lights! Camera! Action! The subcommittee live from New York City!

In the spotlight was PunC Comics publisher, Ed Gaines, whose comics specialised in depicting canabilism, with just a hint of necrophelia. Gaines was high as a U2 overflight. His whole spiel for the senators had been written by his business partner, Larry Flindt, during a nightlong methamphetamine binge they shared on the eve of the inquiry.

It was a performance like no other, and the PunC Empire was about to crumble, save one small magazine, fittingly called Raving Mad.

Vormhole danced a jig.

It should be noted that senators love subcomittees. There was indeed, a plethora of them, looking into everything from plankton infestations in Byscayne Bay through to Un-American activities. And into all of them, one J Andy Vacuum had a free pass. Vacuum, as head of the FIB (Federal Inveigling Bureau), was held in awe for the sheer amount of dirt he could collect. Among his friends on the subcommittees was investigator Morris Boris.

Anyhow, Haydell and his mother skipped New York and went to live in New Orleans.

There, he joined the Junior Eaglehawk Scouts and went to cookouts with the cap'n of the squad, Dreyfuss Farry. Farry dug flying. Farry dug weird shit. Farry dug hypnosis. Farry dug psychology. Farry dug religion. The kids loved him. He taught 'em to fly. He bought 'em alcohol. He educated 'em good and proper, and sometimes let 'em stay overnight. Most of all, Farry lived in fear of cancer, and having his dirty little secrets exposed.

More than anything, he wanted to be a doctor. He wanted to cure his fear.

All Haydell wanted was to learn Marxism and join the Marines. Didn't everyone?

Half-brother joined the Air Force after a stint in the Coast Guard. However, he was not altogether unfamiliar with the Navy either, for in the months leading up to Haydell's arrival in New York City, half-brother had been seconded to the US Naval Training Station in Brainridge, Merrylands. The training station at the time, was suffering from an outbreak of little known autoimmune diseases. But never fear! A government commision on such diseases, headed by Dr Chuck Camelramp, was looking into it. What half-brother did during his four months there is not recorded in documents released to the public But whatever it was, it seemed to stand him in good stead for his coming Air Force carreer, where he was to be in charge of "Special Procedures" in the pathogy departments of three USAF hospitals - with all three later being exposed for conducting human radiation experiments on unsuspecting patients.

Half-brother's wife took up automatic writing.

It is not known if half-brother's mother-in-law ever made it home from her
visit to her sister.

Ed Gaines, crazy as a loon, took Raving Mad to the top.

Vormhole wrote more books, and eventually changed his mind about comics.

Kurious misremembered Haydell's height, and this somehow ended up in someone's
theory about a second Haydell.

Warthogz wrote a book on Haydell, and got charged as a sex pest.

Puck disappeared up his own Vormhole.

Larry Flindt published porno and communist propaganda, including a booklet called Crimes Against Cubism by Cory LaMotta. He also helped form the Fair Play for Cubism Committee in New York City.

Morris Boris eventually settled in Dullarse, where he outsmarted all and sundry.

Rumour had it Vacuum was gonna live forever.

_________________
Mixing Pop and Politics he asks me what the use is
I offer him embarrassment and my usual excuses
While looking down the corridor
Out to where the van is waiting
I'm looking for the Great Leap Forward

            Billy Bragg
-----------------------------
 Australians don't mind criminals: It's successful bullshit artists we despise. 
             Lachie Hulme            
-----------------------------
The Cold War ran on bullshit.
              Me

greg parker
Admin

Posts : 3453
Join date : 2009-08-21
Age : 58
Location : Orange, NSW, Australia

View user profile http:// http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00IXOA5ZK/ref=s9_simh_

Back to top Go down

View previous topic View next topic Back to top

- Similar topics

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum