Biggest Thing That Man Has Ever Done

Biggest Thing That Man Has Ever Done

I'm just a lonesome traveller, The Great Historical Bum.
Highly educated tho’ history tied my tongue.
I came of age in the year of Terror, 'twas in the Year ‘01
And that was about the biggest thing that man had ever done.

I worked in Kirkwood’s Cellar, t’was the year of ‘63,
Joined the waiter’s union, tho’ there was a joining fee;
I'm the man that served the hard stuff to those Secret Service sons,
And that was about the biggest thing that man had ever done.

I was the Smoking Man at Watergate, and at the OC Bombing, too;
I opened up the floodgates, let all the hate accrue
I fought a million battles from the safety of my throne,
And that was about the biggest thing that man had ever done.

I beat the desert warriors, I did it with a smirk,
Defeated the towel-headed army with thirty minutes work,
I fought the ragged leaders and I did it just for fun
And that's about the biggest thing that man has ever done.

I killed Saddam’s guardians, and I came after him as well;
I took but half an hour's work to send his kin to Hell;
Along the way, I didn’t care how old or young
And that's about the biggest thing that man has ever done.

I was in the Revolution to help set old Cuba free;
Then turned again to Uncle Sam and the Statue of Liberty;
We lost the battle at the Bay of Pigs, 100 died beneath the sun;
And that was about the biggest thing that man has ever done.

Next, we fought the States Rights war, some other folks and me,
All we wanted was to live long and happy in racial purity.
I railed against intervention and Hoover didn't give a damn
And that's about the biggest thing that man has ever done.

And then I took to broking in the Valley of Silicon,
But when the chips were down
Well, me and a million other sellers left there on the run
And that was about the biggest thing that man has ever done.

I climbed the Corporate Ladder up to where the air is clean,
Past the frozen smoke stacks and the clank of machinery
Then I pissed on you from here to Washington
And that's just about the biggest thing that man has ever done.

There's a war overseas and a war right here at home
And we're all singin' "whose side are you on boys, whose side are you on?"
I've seen every foot of film and heard every lie the Pentagon has spun
But the Whole Bay of Pigs Thing was the biggest lie man has ever done.

There was a man across the ocean, I guess you knew him well,
His name was Adolf Hitler, goddam his soul to hell;
We kicked him in the panzers while runnin’ rat lines for other scum,
And that was about the biggest thing that man has ever done.

I'm living with my Freedom Lie in this big land we built;
It takes all fifty States for me to spread my guilt.
Our kids are several millions now, all messaging on their phone.
And that's about the biggest thing that man has ever done.

I bought mines and mills and factories, and outsourced the jobs to foreign lands;
And then I outsourced the war; profit in my hands;
This Fascist job's a tough 'un, it’s not for everyone,
'Cause this is about the biggest thing that man has ever done.

There's warehouse guys and teamsters, and guys that skim the books
Guys that run my steel mill, my furnace, my cafes and my cooks
We'll stop the Evil Axis rattlesnakes and take their oil for a song
And that will be the biggest thing that man has ever done.

I better quit my talking, 'cause I told you all I know,
We’ve got to get the files open, it’s been too long ‘n’ way too slow,
If you want to build a peaceful world, let’s get this job done
It'll be the biggest thing that man has ever done.

I better quit my talking now; I said all I can say,
We’ve got to get those files open, History demands its day,
It’s older than your old folks, it’s younger than the young,
And when History is allowed to stand untarnished and complete, it’ll be best thing that man has ever done.