Australia Gets Drunk, Wakes up in North Atlantic

Sat 13 Jun 2020, 3:30 am

Sydney, 800 miles S. of Nova Scotia (SatireWire.com) — After what witnesses described as an all-night blinder during which it kept droning on about how it was always being bloody ignored by the whole bloody world and would bloody well stand to do something about it, Australia this morning woke up to find itself in the middle of the North Atlantic.

Australia Gets Drunk, Wakes up in North Atlantic Aussie-Atlantic1

Australia Gets Drunk, Wakes up in North Atlantic Aussie-Atlantic1

"Good Lord, that was a booze up," said a bleary-eyed Australian Prime Minister, John Howard, speaking from his residence at Kirribilli House, approximately 600 nautical miles east of Cape Hatteras, North Carolina.

According to Australians and residents of several countries destroyed or lewdly insulted during the continent's nearly 7,000-mile saltwater stagger, the binge began just after noon yesterday at a pub in Brisbane, where several patrons were discussing Australia Day and the nation's general lack of respect from abroad.

"It started off same as always; coupla fossils saying how our Banjo Patterson was a better poet than Walt Whitman, how Con the Fruiterer is funnier than Seinfeld, only they're Aussies so no one knows about 'em," recalled witness Kevin Porter. "Then this bloke Martin pipes up and says Australia's main problem is that it's stuck in Australia, and everybody says 'Too right!'"

"Well, it made sense at the time," Porter added.

By 2 a.m., powered by national pride and alcohol, the 3-million-square-mile land mass was barging eastward through the Coral Sea and crossing into the central Pacific, leaving a trail of beer cans and Chinese take-away in its wake.

When dawn broke over the Northern Hemisphere, the continent suddenly found itself, not only upside down, but smack in the middle of the Atlantic, and according to most of its 19 million inhabitants, that's the way it's going to stay.

"We sent troops to Afghanistan. You never hear about it. We have huge government scandals. You never hear about it. It's all 'America did this,' and 'Europe says that,'" exclaimed Perth resident Paul Watson. "Well, we're right in the thick of things now, so let's just see if you can you ignore us."

Australia Gets Drunk, Wakes up in North Atlantic Aussie-Atlantic2

Australia Gets Drunk, Wakes up in North Atlantic Aussie-Atlantic2

Officials on both sides of the Atlantic conceded that would be difficult. "They broke Florida," said U.S. State Department spokesman Richard Boucher. "And most of Latin America is missing."

Meanwhile, victims of what's already been dubbed the "Australian Crawl" are still shaking off the event.

"Australia bumped into us at about midnight local time," said Hawaii governor Ben Cayetano. "They were very friendly — they always seem friendly — but they refused to go around unless we answered their questions. But the questions were impossible. 'Who is Ian Thorpe? Do you have any Tim Tams? What day is Australia Day?'"

"Fortunately, somebody here had an Unimportant World Dates calendar and we aced the last one," Cayetano added.

Panama, however, was not so lucky.

"Australia came through here screaming curses at us to let them through," said Ernesto Carnal, who guards the locks at the entrance to the Panama Canal. "We said they would not fit, so they demanded to speak with a manager. When I go to find Mr. Caballos, they sneak the whole continent through."

When Caballos shouted to the fleeing country that it had not paid, Australia "accidentally" backed up and took out every nation in the region, as well as the northern third of Venezuela. They then made up a cheery song about it.

By late morning today, however, not everyone in Australia was quite so blithe. "We've still got part of Jamaica stuck to Queensland," said Australian army commander Lt. Gen. Peter Cosgrove. "I think we might have declared war on it. I don't bloody remember. Maybe it's time to go home."

Cosgrove, however, is not in the majority, and at press time, U.S., African, and European leaders were still desperately trying to negotiate for Australia's withdrawal. But the independent-minded Aussies were not making it easy. In a two-hour meeting at midday, Australian representatives listed their demands: immediate inclusion in the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, a permanent CNN presence in all 6 Australian states, a worldwide ban on hiring Paul Hogan, a primetime U.S. television contract for Australian Rules Football, and a 4,500-mile-long bridge between Sydney and Los Angeles.

U.S. negotiators immediately walked out, calling the Australian Rules Football request "absurd."

http://www.satirewire.com/news/jan02/australia.shtml

Sat 13 Jun 2020, 10:56 am

Too funny! We are coming to sleep on a divan near you soon.

But first you have to master the difference between "yeah, nah" and "nah, yeah" Here are some examples of a typical "yeah, nah, yeah" to get you started.

Sat 13 Jun 2020, 3:17 pm

Here is the game you need on TV over there (though Mick will tell you "yeah nah, Aussie Rules, rulz, mate" but Mick is from Melbourne so he is a bit brainwashed)

This and American football are really just variations on Rugby. Except this is far superior to Rugby.

Rules are similar to your game, except...

13 a side with 4 bench warmers (as opposed to regular Rugby which has 15 players and a different set of rules)

Forward passes are illegal

Blocking the defense is illegal

You get six "downs" (just called "tackles" here) before you have to hand the ball over to the opposition, so most teams tend to kick the ball downfield on the last down on the basis that if you have to give it to them, it should be up there end of the field.

To score a valid touchdown (called a "try" here), you need to actually place the ball on the ground.

8 interchanges allowed per team and there are very very few stoppages. Each player is expected to be able to run the ball, pass and tackle.

4 points for a touchdown, 2 for the conversion kick, 2 for a penalty goal and 1 for a field goal.

You cannot drop the ball in a forward motion or pass the ball forward, or touch the ball while in an offside position. Those all result in a scrimmage.

The defending side has to be 10 metres away from the attacking side at the start of each "down",

There are other rules, but that's main ones covered. It is showing over there on some streaming service or other. And it is actually played in the US. In fact, New York is pushing for a place in the English Super League competition which is the only transatlantic regular season sport in history as it already has a team playing from Canada.

https://www.sportspromedia.com/news/new-york-rugby-league-team-league-1-2022-super-league-challenge-cup-ottawa

In future Australianization lessons:

How to hate Foster's (no one drinks it here, I promise)

How to mumble your way through the national anthem

What "girt" actually means (it is a real word, not slang, that we are stuck with, But what the hell does it mean?)

When it is appropriate to say "no worries, mate" (basically any time, anywhere, in any situation. Example: "You're going to execute me at dawn? No worries, mate. Any chance of bacon and eggs and a beer for breakie (breakfast) before then?"

Flies - billions: how to get along with them.

The "six" test to distinguish Australians from New Zealanders. You'll "get" this if you ever hear a New Zealander say "six")

How to chuck a sickie (take a day off work for no valid reason) and get away with it

Most importantly, how to bowl a maiden over and why the English hate us for it

Sun 14 Jun 2020, 3:34 am

I think your version of football might be a refreshing, welcome change. Our football is fast, but it only happens in quick spurts. A play is run, then invariably there's a penalty, so it all gets walked back. Or the officials take 5 minutes to review every third or fourth play. That and commercial breaks all the time. The only way to cope with all the mind-numbing delays is to drink copious amounts of beer.

Speaking of beer, Fosters is first on your long list of things to become Australianized. And you hate it. Hmm.

Back in the old days (80s and 90s when drinking while driving wasn't a capital offense) I would usually grab me a Fosters for the long drive home after work. It came in 25 ounce cans which was better than a 16 ounce Miller or Budweiser. I thought it tasted a bit gamey but volume ruled and I was relaxed by the time I got home. I didn't think it was too bad, but I haven't had a Fosters in over 20 years.

Next up, mumbling. I'll breeze through that one and have it mastered in no time.

Sun 14 Jun 2020, 10:48 am

Any Aussie caught drinking Fosters gets a fair old tongue lashing and a good swift kick to the goolies. Unacceptable behavior and completely un-Australian.

Sun 14 Jun 2020, 12:19 pm

Stan Dane wrote:I think your version of football might be a refreshing, welcome change. Our football is fast, but it only happens in quick spurts. A play is run, then invariably there's a penalty, so it all gets walked back. Or the officials take 5 minutes to review every third or fourth play. That and commercial breaks all the time. The only way to cope with all the mind-numbing delays is to drink copious amounts of beer.

Speaking of beer, Fosters is first on your long list of things to become Australianized. And you hate it. Hmm.

Back in the old days (80s and 90s when drinking while driving wasn't a capital offense) I would usually grab me a Fosters for the long drive home after work. It came in 25 ounce cans which was better than a 16 ounce Miller or Budweiser. I thought it tasted a bit gamey but volume ruled and I was relaxed by the time I got home. I didn't think it was too bad, but I haven't had a Fosters in over 20 years.

Next up, mumbling. I'll breeze through that one and have it mastered in no time.

Fosters was bought out by an overseas company years ago and is mainly for the overseas market. The marketing of it as "Australian" is just that - marketing. True Aussies think it is shit beer.

No real 'Strayan knows the words to the National anthem. It is hilarious watching international sport. The other team with belt out their national anthem with pride and know every single word. Then watch the Aussies mumble their way through ours.

Yet every real Aussie can sing this song forward and backwards blind drunk. Naturally the lead singer of the band was born in Scotland but came here under a program where British families could migrate here for 10 pounds. That's how we got the Easy Beats, as well. All kids of 10 pound British migrants. Except the Dutch guy!

Sun 14 Jun 2020, 12:20 pm

Mick Purdy wrote:Any Aussie caught drinking Fosters gets a fair old tongue lashing and a good swift kick to the goolies. Unacceptable behavior and completely un-Australian.

Exactly right.

You have to swear off the Fosters, Stan.

Sun 14 Jun 2020, 12:40 pm

I think your version of football might be a refreshing, welcome change. Our football is fast, but it only happens in quick spurts. A play is run, then invariably there's a penalty, so it all gets walked back. Or the officials take 5 minutes to review every third or fourth play. That and commercial breaks all the time. The only way to cope with all the mind-numbing delays is to drink copious amounts of beer.

I watched a few games in the days when I had cable. Didn't mind it at all - but the same issues as you - too many stoppages - way too many. And I was surprised that you can run players on and off for specialized things like kicking.

Which reminds me of another difference. In our game, when you go to "convert" a touchdown, you don't get to take in front of the goal posts unless the touchdown was made directly behind the posts. If the touchdown for example, was made near the corner of the field then you have to take the shot at goal from a position directly in line with that - so a lot of conversion attempts are made from the sidelines. Same with penalty goals. You take it from the spot that the penalty was awarded. If it is too far for a shot at goal, you can opt to boot the ball downfield over the sideline and you start a new set of downs from the place where the ball crossed the sideline.

Sun 14 Jun 2020, 12:54 pm

Back in the old days (80s and 90s when drinking while driving wasn't a capital offense) I would usually grab me a Fosters for the long drive home after work. It came in 25 ounce cans which was better than a 16 ounce Miller or Budweiser. I thought it tasted a bit gamey but volume ruled and I was relaxed by the time I got home. I didn't think it was too bad, but I haven't had a Fosters in over 20 years.

Here is how we handle cops when caught drink-driving

Sun 14 Jun 2020, 1:46 pm

greg parker wrote:

Mick Purdy wrote:Any Aussie caught drinking Fosters gets a fair old tongue lashing and a good swift kick to the goolies. Unacceptable behavior and completely un-Australian.

Exactly right.

You have to swear off the Fosters, Stan.

I shared what you Aussies think about Fosters with my ex-wife and she had a good laugh. Never having tastes Fosters before, she said she now has to try one for herself. She asked "Will you have one with me?" I agreed.

I'll take my fair old tongue lashing and a good swift kick to the goolies like a man.

PS: I'll also provide a report of our tasting later.

Sun 14 Jun 2020, 2:04 pm

Stan Dane wrote:

greg parker wrote:

Mick Purdy wrote:Any Aussie caught drinking Fosters gets a fair old tongue lashing and a good swift kick to the goolies. Unacceptable behavior and completely un-Australian.

Exactly right.

You have to swear off the Fosters, Stan.

I shared what you Aussies think about Fosters with my ex-wife and she had a good laugh. Never having tastes Fosters before, she said she now has to try one for herself. She asked "Will you have one with me?" I agreed.

I'll take my fair old tongue lashing and a good swift kick to the goolies like a man.

PS: I'll also provide a report of our tasting later.

Tue 16 Jun 2020, 9:19 am

Fosters Taste Testing: The Results.

To recap, my ex heard about your opinions of Fosters. She thought it funny that the product advertised "Australian for Beer" was actually detested by Aussies. She remembered my occasionally drinking Fosters way back years ago, but she said she never had one herself or even tasted it. Curiosity got the better of her so she wanted to try it and drink one with me. I told her about the stern warnings I received from my mates Down Under but she shrugged it off. It's just a test, an experiment, she said. A first time thing. Well OK then.

I went to our local supermarket yesterday looking to get a six pack, but I didn't see any Fosters. I finally found some hidden away in the big cans/jumbo bottles section where the cheaper beers were located. I bought two 25.4 oz. cans, the same size cans like I remembered. It was near Steel Reserve High Gravity (8.1% alcohol) beer with an aftertaste true its namesake that you only drink because it's cheap and you get a quick buzz (we always some Steel Reserve on hand because of this). I also wanted to compare it to another American lager so I bought some Pabst Blue Ribbon (PBR) because it was near the Fosters and was cheap. I didn't want to overthink this or make things complicated. Figured Fosters would win hands down against these two brews.

Last night, we went outside under our pergola and I poured up some Fosters, PBR and Steel Reserve for both of us. We wrote down our impressions. First thing we noticed was on the Fosters can: "Brewed in the USA." I tasted the Fosters first. Unremarkable, I wrote. After a few more sips, I thought it had a different taste than I remembered. Something was missing. The beer was cold and that can kill the flavor, which in this case may be a good thing. I thought the PBR had more taste, and PBR is nothing special.

After tasting all the beers, my ex said: "Drinkable but little flavor. Not much different than the PBR, in fact the PBR has a little more flavor. I really expected more out of that. A letdown. Lame and overpriced."

We didn't really compare it to the high octane Steel Reserve. That was there mainly as a chaser.

So there you have it. Thinking I stacked the deck in Fosters' favor, it still lost against some weak competition. Drinkable when ice cold, but pretty tasteless overall. We won't ever buy it again.

OBTW, we listened to the Australian Nation Anthem while conducting the taste test. After many repeat listening's, the only lines we could remember after polishing off the last of the Steel Reserve were "Advance Australia Fair" and "Our home is girt by sea." We know why you guys mumble through the thing.

Tue 16 Jun 2020, 9:46 am

Stan Dane wrote:Fosters Taste Testing: The Results.

To recap, my ex heard about your opinions of Fosters. She thought it funny that the product advertised "Australian for Beer" was actually detested by Aussies. She remembered my occasionally drinking Fosters way back years ago, but she said she never had one herself or even tasted it. Curiosity got the better of her so she wanted to try it and drink one with me. I told her about the stern warnings I received from my mates Down Under but she shrugged it off. It's just a test, an experiment, she said. A first time thing. Well OK then.

I went to our local supermarket yesterday looking to get a six pack, but I didn't see any Fosters. I finally found some hidden away in the big cans/jumbo bottles section where the cheaper beers were located. I bought two 25.4 oz. cans, the same size cans like I remembered. It was near Steel Reserve High Gravity (8.1% alcohol) beer with an aftertaste true its namesake that you only drink because it's cheap and you get a quick buzz (we always some Steel Reserve on hand because of this). I also wanted to compare it to another American lager so I bought some Pabst Blue Ribbon (PBR) because it was near the Fosters and was cheap. I didn't want to overthink this or make things complicated. Figured Fosters would win hands down against these two brews.

Last night, we went outside under our pergola and I poured up some Fosters, PBR and Steel Reserve for both of us. We wrote down our impressions. First thing we noticed was on the Fosters can: "Brewed in the USA." I tasted the Fosters first. Unremarkable, I wrote. After a few more sips, I thought it had a different taste than I remembered. Something was missing. The beer was cold and that can kill the flavor, which in this case may be a good thing. I thought the PBR had more taste, and PBR is nothing special.

After tasting all the beers, my ex said: "Drinkable but little flavor. Not much different than the PBR, in fact the PBR has a little more flavor. I really expected more out of that. A letdown. Lame and overpriced."

We didn't really compare it to the high octane Steel Reserve. That was there mainly as a chaser.

So there you have it. Thinking I stacked the deck in Fosters' favor, it still lost against some weak competition. Drinkable when ice cold, but pretty tasteless overall. We won't ever buy it again.

OBTW, we listened to the Australian Nation Anthem while conducting the taste test. After many repeat listening's, the only lines we could remember after polishing off the last of the Steel Reserve were "Advance Australia Fair" and "Our home is girt by sea." We know why you guys mumble through the thing.

LOL. Not sure if we should kick you in the goolies or give you a medal for going beyond the call of duty.

Here is some Foster's history.

It was actually started in Melbourne in 18whatever by two Irish-American immigrants. Up until the company was sold overseas, it was a beer you might come across here occasionally at parties, but was never the most popular. After it got sold, yes, it began to be brewed in the US and marketed to the rest of the world as "Australian for beer", but it was actually dying a slow death here, though still available. No idea if the new owners changed the formula, but it was never great to start with.

As for the anthem... until this was made it - our anthem was the same as England. God Save the Queen. Prime Minister Howard wanted to make the anthem Waltzing Matilda, but the less adventurous in his government thought it might lack the dignity required at official functions to have an anthem that celebrates a hobo sheep rustler who commits suicide rather than be captured. But I was with Howard on this. At least everyone here knows the words to it, it hasn't got the word "girt" and it a nice "fuck you" to authority - a true song of the people.

Tue 16 Jun 2020, 1:49 pm

I worked summers from 1964-69 at a dairy farm about a mile down the road. The widow who owned the farm (her husband had hung himself in the barn in 1963) had an old player piano in the back room in the big old farmhouse. There was a box full of rolls of paper with holes on it, each roll being a song. After work, a lot of times the hired hands would slip me a beer or two, and occasionally I'd sit down at that piano, grab a song roll and thread it up and start pumping the foot pedals and play whatever song it was. One of the songs was Waltzing Matilda. It was an up-tempo breezy sounding song, perfect to drink beer to. It really should be your national anthem.

Tue 16 Jun 2020, 3:28 pm

Years ago i read a review from a real ale fan who was asked to try various lagers. His opinion of Fosters was that it "tastes like boiled spanners". In the mid 80's XXXX was brought in to my local and proved to be quite popular as a draught ale. The cans not so much. As for national anthems, i enjoyed Billy Connollys idea of the theme tune from The Archers replacing God Save The Queen. I'll drink to that...

Wed 17 Jun 2020, 10:14 am

steely dan wrote:Years ago i read a review from a real ale fan who was asked to try various lagers. His opinion of Fosters was that it "tastes like boiled spanners". In the mid 80's XXXX was brought in to my local and proved to be quite popular as a draught ale. The cans not so much. As for national anthems, i enjoyed Billy Connollys idea of the theme tune from The Archers replacing God Save The Queen. I'll drink to that...

Never heard of The Archers so I just had a listen to the theme music. Hmmm. Interesting choice. A Maypole Dance!

In any case, you'll soon have a change ... to God Save the King...

XXXX is a Queensland beer. It's okay. Nothing special. They need to learn to spell though. It gets confusing reading anything from up there. It's like Morse code with just "X"s.

Australia Gets Drunk, Wakes up in North Atlantic

Australia Gets Drunk, Wakes up in North Atlantic

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You ain't gonna know what you learn if you knew it.......

Checkmate.

Re: Australia Gets Drunk, Wakes up in North Atlantic

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