THE FEZZOTINT

THE FEZZOTINT ( Version Two)

( The first version was mis transcribed.  The extant manuscript actually contains three previously unknown stories: Oh Whistle and I'll come to you my Vlad....Raconteur, internet poet and housewife's favourite gets more than he bargained for after he discovers antique silver butt plug on the beach near his La Jolla trailer park, Lost Farts, Jimbo, a reclusive millionaire has everything a Hobbit could ever dream of...except control of his bowels. When he invites his long lost Hungarian "nephew" to stay at his palatial Hobbit hole " Bellend Towers" not all is as it seems..who are these two strange non related but near identical ghosts who seem to haunt the downstairs toilet? And what has Uncle Jimbo got hidden away in his laboratory? I confused parts of these non related but near identical manuscripts with the  actual Fezzotint...

By arrangement with Bill and Melinda Gates Plandemics R Us, Judyth Vary Baker High Quality Investment Art, American Free Press, Trine Day- The Vaccine ( not affiliated with Trine Day Pharmaceuticals or Judyth Vary Baker- The Vaccine) and Doyle, Hosty and sons Overhead Water Console Installation " You Flirt We Squirt"

THE FEZZOTINT ( original manuscript version)

By M.R James ( vocalisations and parts of the body by Judyth Vary Baker. Warning Body Parts Not Edible)

PART ONE

Dealey Plaza, October 2003, inspired by the triumphant symposium , " Is Seeing Believing in the Assassination of JFK" and after receiving a " research grant" from the Lemkin Institute of Applied Hysterics Legacy Committee ( you might remember them from such famously astute investments- paying some anonymous grifter 100 grand for the rifles used in the assassination and parting with a cool quarter million for the Mickey Mouse y fronts James Files wore on the grassy knoll ) the leading alterationists- Professor James H Fetzer PhD, Jack White, Dr Raul Pigby PhD( Oxon) Tripos ( Cantab) and Dave Healy  online NAMBLA spokesman, eroticist,videographer and Nobel prize winning poet( His Alt Conspiracy Cantos have been widely acclaimed as this millenniums  Canterbury Tales ) have arrived at the historic Plaza ...

Buoyed by the overwhelming popular success of the symposium ( one Duluth University employee ,claimed, when we interviewed him through the bars of his padded cell, " It was like Goya's Witches Sabbat had come to life! Fetzer, a blubberous incubus , writhing and foaming in profane ecstasy as he described Mary Moorman's shoes, the repulsive goat like effigy of Lifton , looming over the 30 or so willing supplicants, and poor old Jack White) Jack White has devised a series of experiments thatllt prove ,once and for all, that the Zapruder Film is fake...

Jack( resplendent in beige turtleneck, cardigan, colour coordinated Hawaiian shirts, jesus sandals with black socks) " Careful with those goats Raul ! You're manhandling Jean Hill, Mary Moorman, Gordon Arnold and Badgeman..do you know how long it took to find a red raincoat that would fit a goat? In Fort Worth?? And where's Lifton? I knew that giraffe wouldn't fit into the horse trailer.. "

Raul ( sporting a Wavy Gravy style pair of psychedelic dungarees, and novelty bowler hat..attempting to herd  a flock of colourfully attired goats through Dealey Plaza) " Eh Jack what do we need a giraffe for?"

Jack ( irritated) " Dangnabbit Raul weren't you a member of the JFK research forum? Remember Mrs Frantzen suddenly turns into a giant! Did Sgt at Arms Monk Burnham ban you for being a provocateur? Tasked by the CIA to follow Jack White around? Raul? Raul? Wait a cotton picking minute.. you're not that Raul are you?"

Fetzer ( puffing up like a badly constipated bloater) " Egads and gadzooks you insignificant oaf! If you don't provide me with a complete CV, several unimpeachable references, a blood and DNA sample ..plus the phone number of your mother..on second thoughts make than any distant female relative under 80 I'm going to orchestrate an online campaign insinuating you are a paid disinformation agent!."

Healy ( slumped over Zapruders perch .looks up .in a bloodshot slur) " Woof woof Rollie Zavada..lone neuter troll..woof..in camera original..woof..why does it hurt when I pee?"

Fetzer( chins wobbling like a topless and fully greased Paul Trejo attempting to limbo dance) " Thank you David for that incisive remark!"

Raul( valiantly trying to prevent Mary Moorman goat from relieving herself and ironically changing the colour of his shoes) " Come on lads! Don't be silly! It's me Raul...Raul Pigby!! You know me .Greer shot JFK the Z film is a blatant fake! People who disagree with us aren't automatically disinformation agents..no, wait.."( lapses into a puzzled silence..

Jack( busy setting up surveyors transit) " Raul catch that goat in the police uniform before it attacks that chihuahua..get it up on the grassy knoll..put it behind the fence...I've a fully loaded AR 15 in my bag ..put it in its hoofs.." ( turning to Fetzer) " Do goats have cloven hoofs"

Fetzer( shrugging) " Are goats jews?"

Healy ( slurring) " woof woof hey lone neuter troll get that fucking police goat up on the grassy fucking knoll and put that rifle in its paws"( collapses into mumbling delirium) " how many nits on the other Sitzmans tits..."

Fetzer ( spluttering) " Egads David Jews dontd have paws"

Jack " ok Raul let's get this experiment started...we'll forget the giraffe for now...after you've put police goat behind the picket fence get those other goats lined up..."

Raul( a look of bemused consternation) " You really want me to put a loaded assault rifle into a police uniform wearing goat's hoofs?'( shrugs) " actually it makes a lot more sense than the Math Rules thread"

For the next few hours, until the DPD, the Dallas Environmental Health Agency and Gary Mack's SFM stormtroopers chased the intrepid alterationists out of the Plaza( David Lifton never did appear, although an intoxicated giraffe was later discovered by Highway patrol officers, staggering around the forecourt in front of the Johnny Reb motel) they tried in vain to get the goats to behave.

Disheartened they gave up and returned to their hotel. Perhaps it hadn't been such a great idea after all... dressing goats up as witnesses in an attempt to prove the extant films are fake...but in reality having Mary Moorman goat, complete with blue coat , white socks and black high heels, wandering around the Plaza,, bleating, nibbling the grass, and chasing poor Raul Pigby round the reflecting pool was no more ridiculous than any other of their harebrained schemes..

After a couple of restless hours, pacing the streets of Oak Cliff, Jack has a brainwave!! Looking up at the full moon, as fat luminous and pock marked as Fetzer ass, looking back down at him..he decides to catch a cab...back to the Plaza!!

Measure the shadows cast by the sun, at 12 30 in the afternoon...by moonlight!! No wonder the CIA fear Jack White more than any other researcher!! No wonder NASA have tried to silence Jack White for blowing the lid on the whole " Apollo Moon Hoax"

If only his bestest bud ,Frankie the K ,could be here to witness his moment of triumph..

The cab driver, Donald, was a friendly enough fellow, kinda familiar looking too, knew quite a bit about the assassination.." nah" Jack thought as he wandered through the deserted plaza, marvelling at the shadows, " he couldn't be another CIA assassin , could he?"

Suddenly Jack feels scared...the familiar outline of the Book Depository suddenly feels menacing...looming over him.. like the time he had toothache in Kentucky and visited that dentist...was carbon monoxide gas mixed with methamphetamine really an anaesthetic...the rain sensors too how sinister they look...Jack imagines rows of disembodied ears stuck to the lampposts.. just to snoop on Jack White..

Then there's a tap on his shoulder..

Turning round he sees a dishevelled figure in a battered red fez come shambling towards him... grinning like Don Jeffries when he drew 1818 in the Holocaust Denial Lottery... clutching a picture tightly between his gnarled talons

" " You Jack White Alterationist? CIA Enemy #1?" He asks in a malevolent wheeze, sounding like Jim Fetzer breaking wind on a bouncy castle..

Jack nods..

" Here, take this"

With a grunt he shoves the picture into Jack's startled hands, 

" You want alteration? I'll give you alteration" he cackles, his eyes redder than his fez. He leers up at Jack, revealing a row of rotten stumps, before he turns and lurches off. His noxious breath reminds Jack of the time David Lifton tried to learn the bagpipes...

" Who...who are you?" Jack manages a muted whisper... like he was back before the HSCA..

The figure stops, and looking over his shoulder he rasps

" I've been known by so many names...my friends and fellow coven members call me Fezzo the Nonsensical...others know me as the Fezzinator...you can call me Fezzo the Fez"

His maniacal laughter echoes through the Plaza... like volleys of automatic gunfire..

Suddenly a bell begins tolling..hollow and menacing..

Jack glances round..up at the 6th floor window...he sees himself, his very own doppelganger smiling back down at him...the tolling grows louder..more ominous... mingling with Fezzo's insane screeching and what sounds like the bleating of infernai goats..

The bell tolls for the thirteenth time...then silence..

Absolute silence .

As silent as the audience at Ladies Night at the Texas Very Busy Loyers Club when the announcer introduced " David Lifton..tonight's stripper"

The 6th floor window is as empty as it was at 12 30 on 22nd November 1963..

While the Plaza itself is as empty as the afternoon the animators storyboarded the other other Zapruder Film..

Fezzo the Fez has vanished..

Jack looks at the painting...it looks like nothing special...an amateurish mezzotint of the plaza and the Book Depository...

PART TWO

Returning to the hotel after his quite bizarre encounter with the grotesquely malformed Fezzo, Jack White ( now attired in a fetching brown tanktop/ turtleneck sweater ensemble) shows his fellow alterationists -currently engaged in heated debate, Messrs Pigby and Healy believing the genitalia of one of the gay pornographic actors ( Fetzer  having insisted on watching " How to climb to the top of the greasiest pole" believing it to be some sort of political exposé) has been substantially altered- the Mezzotint he received from the apparition...

Jack ( glancing at the TV screen) " Aha! A firehouse..is this a new 9/11 documentary or something? Those firemen have just returned from Ground Zero, right? After loosing all their clothes when the second mini nuke was detonated by the space beam? I've never seen CPR like that before..."

Fetzer ( as red and flustered as an overaroused beetroot) " Eh thats right Jack( reaches for the remote control) " we were just watching a 9/11 documentary...about giant holograms, space beams and covens of conspiring jews...lots of jews ( notices the mezzotint) " whatcha got there? Another photographic study? Have you discovered another three legged man or a legless torso floating through Dealey Plaza?"

Jack ( sitting down, turning to Raul) " Give me back my magnifying lens....are you alright Raul? Your face is purple and you're perspiring... you've not found any bugs or listening devices have you?"

Raul just about manages a feeble twitch of acknowledgement...handing Jack the lens...

Jack ( having cleared the mountainous heaps of hamburger , potato chip wrappers and other less identifiable objects from the coffee table he spreads out the Mezzotint... putting the lens to his eye he frowns over at the tie dyed elephantine bulk slumped in a chair) ( irritated) " What in the Sam Hill have you been doing with this lens? I haven't seen it so steamed since I leant it to Steve Gaal to undertake an in depth forensic examination of Mary Moorman's feet..."

With an almost symphonic overture of flatuence, wheezing and groaning the walrus like pair Fetzer and Pigby leave their seats to crowd round the table...Healy remains semi comatose ....a disreputable lump of sub erogenous degeneration...

Fetzer " Oh it's a picture! Like the ones I saw at the Fuhrerhaus..sorry the Zundelhaus..." ( Examines it closer).." Aha! As I suspected! More Zionist propaganda! ItsI meant to be some sort of " concentration camp" right? Don Jeffries leant me this really great book...did you know Auschwitz was actually a health resort? With a spa and a swimming pool?"

Jack ( puzzled) " What are you talking about Jim! It's the Book Depository! You hosted a symposium on image manipulation and you've edited at least two books dealing with the topic and you can't even recognise a mezzotint of the Book Depository?"

Fetzer ( chins quivering ever so slightly... the equivalent of a gentle breeze rippling through a fully stocked blancmange factory) " A mezzotint! That explains it! It was the jews and the zionists trying to deceive me... wasn't Mezzotint Rothschild the first head of the Trilateral Commission?"

Raul " No Jim I think it was Sfumato Montefiore or Etching Rockefeller.."

Jack ( ecstatic) " Look at this!! A figure in the 2nd floor window!!"

Raul( baffled) " So what? There's another figure...no wait another two figures in the doorway..( squinting) " it looks like a rather buxom grey haired middle aged lady in some sort of wig.."
Fetzer " Yes!! She looks like she's talking to that slim male in the brown shirt ...wait! Look at his forehead!! "

Jack ( in a dramatic whisper) " this is just incredible! My most important discovery yet!"

Raul ( awestruck) " More important than the disappearing little girl,? The three runaway brides you found on Elm Street..in their wedding dresses? More important than Badgeman? Moorman in the street? The many faces of Lee Oswald? You reckoned there were four or five Oswald's...More important than all your work exposing the truth behind the Apollo Moon Hoax?"

Jack ( triumphant) " The most important discovery Jack White has ever made! When Mr Fezzinator gave me the Mezzotint...( Melodramatic pause) there were NO figures ."

Silence...you  could hear the pin from a mechanic's Mauser drop..

Jack " Don't you understand what this means?? The CIA must have altered this Mezzotint in an attempt to outwit Jack White!!"

Fetzer ( chins colliding like dominoes made from marbled lard) " I don't understand? How could the CIA have altered the Mezzotint? Unless they have developed special alteration energy beams... like the death ray that brought down Senator Wellstone's plane?"

Raul " Don't you remember? The Deep Politics forum? Albert Doyle from New York claimed the CIA had carried out a series of cutting edge sperm experiments with lasers..back in 39 creating a race of genetically modified black ops pixies..."

Jack and Fetzer " Black ops pixies?"

Fetzer ( spluttering) " Egads Raul don't you remember? Albert Doyle was outer as a multi headed disinformation spewing entity? Wait a minute! That's it!!"

Pigby and Jack ( confused) " That's what?"

Fetzer ( gloating ) " One of us must have altered it!! Ergo one of us must be a disinformation agent.."

Jack " ...sent by the CIA to discredit Jack White"

To be continued...

After gorging themselves on a glistening mound of quadruple cheese and cholesterol burgers, a celebratory room service feast that quickly descended into an orgiastic bacchanalia, and after nearly getting raided by the INS and the local vice squad, Healy's, (by now a crapulous heap of tumescent delirium), attempt to order sweet and sour chicken ended up in an ill tempered profanity laced verbal joust with a bemused octogenarian, " We no serve Cum of Sum Yung Guy!!", the triumphant  alterationists stare at the Mezzotint, lying on the coffee table...by now the first traces of dawn were staining the Dallas skyline, leaving great luminous fingerprints across the lightening skies...illuminating the familiar cityscape the way Fetzer's greasy pawprints " illuminated" the copy of Reader's Wifes he'd swiped from a small  Dallas grocery store, adjacent to the infamous Plaza..

They gazed wondrously as a procession of figures seemed to appear and disappear...weaving in and out of the Depository windows like the sickly silver trail of some conspiracy crazed giant slug. After much deliberation and several, rather messy full body cavity searches, Dr Fetzer decided instead of being an attempt by various nefarious disinformation entities to sow mistrust and discord amidst the alterationists, on the contrary, the Mezzotint was in fact the greatest gift to the alterationist cause since he and a dazzlingly platform heeled David Lifton's rendition of " Islands in the Stream" at COPAs otherwise notorious 2002 conference...

Fetzer ( burpaceously... the semi digested burgers thundering through his much abused intestinal tracts like a herd of stampeding elephants...) " Egads Jack this is just incredible!! Is that the 2nd Mrs Reid hanging out the 5th floor window?....she seems to be flashing her knickers in code!"

Jack ( euphoric murmur) " i've already counted no less than FOUR Oswalds roaming around!! Look! there's another one! Dangnabbit!! ( Turning to Raul)" Did Beverly Oliver not say she saw an Oswald or two up on the knoll...looky here! There goes Buell Frazier!! And Bonnie Ray. Williams!"

Raul ( in some sort of trance)" Beverly Oliver used to be a ventriloquist...( starts drooling) ..she used to stick her hand up some wooden puppets rear end then sing hymns!!oh to be the rear end of a wooden puppet!...to be a wooden puppets rear end!!"

Healy ( tuneless babbling in faux Oriental accent)" I stick my wooden puppet up the rear end of Cum of Sum Yung Guy"

Fetzer( chins clashing aggressively. Perhaps he's starting to realise just how low he has sunk...from Professor and Philosopher of Science to hanging out with a gaggle of gullible malodorous galoots. How the mighty fall. From the dizzying heights of his professorial chair to a seedy Dallas hotel room... the impudent marmalade tinged fingers of dawn caressing the stultifying gloom)
( Snarling) " Pull yourself together you gibbering simpletons...don't you realise what my great discovery means?"( His small flab encased piggy eyes fill with a faraway imperious gleam .. slipping a hand under an obligingly waistcoat shaped roll of flab he strikes a Napoleonic pose)" The name of Fetzer will live forever! Alongside Newton, Gallileo, Einstein, Butler , Larsen and yes! Fred Leuchter too..The Mezzotint rewrites the rules of science...I haven't been more excited about any discovery since Ralph Cinque Loveladyified the laws of physics!! Gentlemen, this is one small step for alterationism but one giant leap for science.."

Jack( scowling)" Why are you paraphrasing the words some twobit actor repeated under the twin lights on some soundstage in Hollywood?"

Fetzer( apologetic) " Sorry Jack.. I got a little carried away by my discovery...of course we didn't go to the moon!! " NASA" orchestrated the biggest deception in history and they'd have gotten away with it too!! If it wasn't for us alterationists!"

Jack " What are you talking about? " My" discovery.."

Fetzer( blushing) " ok Jack how about saying Discovered by Jack White, Edited by Jim Fetzer PhD?"

With the Mezzotint safely locked away in Jim Fetzer's " Jewproof Lunchbox" and after paying nearly $10000 for a team of industrial fumigators to decontaminate the bathroom after Healy's extended sojourns had left it looking like the insides of Professor Larsen's cowboy hat..the morning after his infamous experiments to create the " Tsarbomba Burger" the intrepid alterationists went forth to spread the wonderful news...

They had discovered a Mezzotint that magically altered itself!! Quite how this would help further their " JFK assassination research", or indeed their various agendas, from doppelgangerism to militant alterationism..well no one was really sure...but who cares!! It was another really big conspiracy for them to get their Jimbo Baggins Deluxe Magic Dentures( complete with detachable incisors) into...

Utilising his famous critical thinking skills Dr Fetzer decided the best course of action was to visit his fellow alterationists. After all Doug Horne and Dr David Mantik were both highly respected conspirocrats..plus they might be persuaded to invest in Fetzer's grand project...Reveal the Mezzotint live on Fox news and Truth Frequency Radio!!..

Fetzer was thinking BIG!! Hiring Madison Square Garden...or even better the Trump Towers!! With Alex Jones, Diane Sawyer, Traudl Junge, Jesse Ventura,, David Miscavage, Tom Cruise  ,Jenni McCarthy, Pamela Anderson and Judy Baker too.

Yes!! He and Judy would add a little bit of sex appeal... maybe dress in matching Mezzotint shaped bathing suits!! Judy still has the figure for it!!

Rumours of the miraculous Mezzotint soon spread like a particularly virulent strain of tertiary syphillis through the alterationists grapevine...

A Mezzotint that actually altered itself!! Some might even say the Mezzotint transformed into some sort of Borgian Aleph...or a mirror that reflected back the desires and/ or conspiratorial ( and indeed non conspiratorial) fantasies of each individual alterationist- Lifton reported seeing mutilated torsos ,in various stages of decomposition ,being chased along Elm Street by a scalpel wielding Earl Rose...who in turn was being chased by the zombified corpse of Jackie Kennedy, while Raul Pigby reported seeing a chorus line of nickel plated revolver totin' Secret Service agents high kicking their way vigorously across the 4th floor of the Depository...followed by the doleful guitar strumming shade of William Greer.. warbling a sparse tuneless version of Paul and Linda McCartney's " The Back Seat of My Car", Monk Burnham on the other hand reported seeing the presidential limousine sitting motionless outside the Depository building, allowing a veritable procession of researchers, each one, Monk added , with an oligeanous pout " very close friends of mine"to investigate it.John Butler's interpretation, involving ( amongst other things) a  multiplicity of misogynistic monoglots chasing Emilee Sagee and her doppelganger round the grassy knoll, culminated in an enterprising arthouse director making an Oswaldcentric version of Being John Malkovich..during the filming several elderly residents were hospitalised , disturbed by the disconcerting vision of swarms of puny Hungarian polyglot doppelgangers not to mention the hordes of fake moms, of both varieties, the dumpy unibrowed version and the tall good looking fashion plate roaming around the Big D in various stages of undress- of course those " disbelievers" were nothing more than nay saying trolls or COINTELPRO operatives intent on disrupting serious research..

Several highly skilled detectives were hired by Fetzer...but none of them could discover the whereabouts,nor indeed the true identity of the mysterious and enigmatic Fezzo the Nonsensical aka the Fezzinator aka Fezzo the Fez....

Although one particularly skilful detective put several Pez dispensers under citizens arrest....while his colleague ended up with a badly lacerated Shatner's bassoon when he asked a certain Jezzo the Nipplicious, an aspiring wrestler/ part time pornographic actor , for clarification and if he " could see his fez"...

Fetzer, as polite and respectful as always bursts in to Dr David Mantik's spacious office, after abusing his secretary.." Forsooth you ill proportioned hag get out of my way!! "

Dr Mantik ( with a resigned sigh) " So nice of you to pay me a visit Jim, please do come in and take a seat, " ( a succession of loud trumpingly flatuent squeaks, not too dissimilar to the Sanibel Island anti semitic  bullfrog choir warming up, as the venerable Professor settles into a large leather armchair) ( grimacing ever so slightly) " Please do make yourself comfortable, shall I ask my secretary to fetch us some coffee? Miss Goldbe..."( Pauses .. quick glance down at the Jabbaesque mountain of lardacious blubber rummaging through his briefcase) " On second thoughts it doesn't matter" ( exchanging knowing look with his secretary) " that'll be all Miss Von Klinkerhoffer Smythe"

Miss Goldbe eh I mean Miss Von Klinkerhoffer Smythe " Certainly Dr Mantik...( lowers her voice)" remember the panic button under the desk"

Dr Mantik" Well Jim, are you here to show me this wonderful Mezzotint everyone's talking about!! Deep Politics, the Education Forum, are all abuzz with speculation! A Mezzotint that actually alters itself? Well I never! The ripples are most certainly reaching the furthermost extremities... I heard our old friend Albert Doyle's Facebook page got a couple hits..wonders will never cease!..."

Jim( carefully unloosening the silk cord before unrolling the Mezzotint, placing it gently on Dr Mantik's desk...his chins quivering in expectation...like the gills of an overfed mud skipper deep sea bloater)

Dr Mantik ( frowning) " There appears to be dried bloodstains on that silk cord Jim..( leaning forward before recoiling sharply) " Jim, that's not a silk cord...its a bloodsmeared silk gusset"

Fetzer( shrugging) " So what? One of Raul Pigby's friends works in a crime museum...or so he claims..apparently these silk stockings once belonged to Sharon Tate...forget such piffling trifles man!! Egads David look at the Mezzotint!! It's like the Holy Grail of Alterationism!! You've got the Holy Grail lying on your desk and you want to talk about a pair of silk stockings!! I had enough of that with Ralph Cinque...did I tell you about the time he Loveladyified himself? Rafaela he called herself...sang I Will Survive auditioning for America's Got Talent"

Dr Mantik studies the Mezzotint carefully..

Jim " Well what do you think? Marvellous isn't it? Last time I looked I saw Ike Altgens getting bustled into the back of the mobile photo altering truck...parked right in front of the TSBD" Don't keep me in suspense"

Dr Mantik ( taking off his glasses..a sad knowing look on his face) " Jim, old friend you've done some really great work...you really have..in time the Great Zapruder Film Hoax will be celebrated as the Lady Chatterley's Lover of conspiracy fiction ..sorry a Freud..eh I meant a Zundelian slip... I mean non fiction of course...but Jim this is just an ordinary Mezzotint...pretty amateurish actually...in fact Judyth offered me something pretty similar... Oswald's Mother, nocturne in grey and black she called it ..wanted $150 thousand for it.."

Jim( spluttering like some splenetic Michelin Man) " Egads David look at the Mezzotint again!! See all the little figures appearing and disappearing... like " eyewitnesses" at the podium of a JFK assassination research conference!"

Dr Mantik ( gently) " Jim , therest no figures .I hate to say this to an old friend like you, but think about it! Who found the Mezzotint? Jack White, right? God bless the black  cotton socks he wears with his sandals but he is somewhat predisposed to conjuring limbless torsos and other such wonders from the blurry grains of old photos..and let us not forget his efforts " proving" the Apollo Moon Hoax...as for friend Pigby? Do I need to say more than William Greer? As for poor old David Healy? It's a miracle he is able to dress himself every day...need I go on? Jim after a hard day's night goat herding through the Plaza I think you all just got a little bit over excited"

Jim( wobbling like a bowl of semolina pudding in a storm) " But I saw..but logical fallacies..egads disinfo agent..but but but the CIA must have unfaked it .or faked it to look like 
there is no fakery.. verily verily jews jews jews... I'm a philosopher of science doncha know you simpering plebian!!"

Dr Mantik ( with kind solicitude) " Come on old friend illI get Miss Von Klinkerhoffer Smythe to call you a cab... nevermind you've got RodMcKenzie and Tosh Plumlee appearing on the Real Deal later this week...a and aren't you and Don Jeffries going to that festival of Bavarian Oompah music? You'll be able to wear your new lederhosen! Cheer up! Remember an alterationists lot is not always a happy one"

Another dead end! Like Badgeman Moorman in the street etc etc...Jim got home early the next morning...after a refreshing glass of Das Fuhrer's Ball schnapps he unwrapped the Mezzotint...Dr Mantik was right! It is just a stupid painting ,with an angry snarl he flings it on the nearest chair.....the schnapps gave the portly professor a little conspiratorial tingle... and as he wobbles off to bed he starts wondering if those Israeli art students who were allegedly deported before 9/11 had anything to do with the Mezzotint..

Lying across an armchair in the shadow haunted lounge. Just a dumb poorly drawn Mezzotint...

Perhaps Dr Fetzer should have looked just a little bit closer..

Instead of the grassy knoll and the familiar outline of the TSBD there's a neat well apportioned semi detached house..timber framed..faux Colonial..

The sort of house a professor and a philosopher of science might live in...

In fact it is indeed Dr Fetzer's house in the Mezzotint now!! Slumbering peacefully below the full moon, as fat luminous and pock marked as the ass now rolling into bed .

But what's this?

A crude misshapen figure has just appeared..slipping in between the moonbeams the sinister figure slouches towards the house... pausing briefly before gently sliding the front window open... 

Maybe it's just the moonlight playing tricks...but in the silvery light his fez seems to leave a trail of blood red shadows across the timber window frame as he climbs inside..

FIN

Disclaimer - No fezzes or alterationists were harmed. Any similarities to the living, the dead, and indeed the undead was purely intentional

The Estate of M R James. Courtesy of Kris Millegan Talent Management.