Nazi Conspiracy Bingo!

I think it is about time we codified the rules of this exciting new past-time.

Any suggestions?

A brief synopsis of the official Wannsee Rules 

Achtung! Achtung!

Conspiracy Fun for all the family!! You'll laugh as grannies stahlhelm slips over her Prussian blue eyes as she yells out " Das Haus"

You'l carefully nurture your righteous anger when those Jewish ******** next door call the Polizei after little brother Hermann celebrated with an impromptu rendition Das Rommel Marsch after getting a full SachsenHAUS en, winning the game!!

ACHTUNG! THIS GAME IS NOT SUITABLE FOR ANYONE WHO HAS ANY ETHNIC BLOOD IN THEIR VEINS ( check the accompanying " Know Your Mischelinge " pamphlet ")

OR ANYONE WHO HAS AN IQ HIGHER THAN A FOSSILIZED PRE CAMBRIAN AMEOBI ( or members of Deep fOO fOO)

Suitable for upwards of 4 players

Free your mind of all rational thoughts,  indeed treat critical thinking the way Guderian's panzers treated those Communist schweinhunds at the 1st Battle of Kyiv. 

Select several leading Parteigenossen at random,  making sure they have absolutely NO connection with the JFK assassination ( for 18 extra BRAUNie points why not select Kamarads who were cruelly slaughtered and martyred by the Communists and their Capitalist lackeys)

Carefully engrave each name on an eagle embossed replica of our Glorious Fuhrer 's GIGANTIC 2nd testicle ( see Dr Kramer's landmark work at the Kaiser Wilhelm Institute's Das Zwei Dangleberry Department,  proving that Our Victorious Godlike Fuhrer has the TWO biggest testicles in recorded history. However little known 10th century Hanseatic feldherr Hermann the Well Hung came a close second)

Put the balls in a large tombola ( if playing in Upper Silesia the freshly disemboweled cadaver of a deceased holidaymaker will suffice)

Give balls a firm shake ( if in doubt consult Ernst Rohm's guide for new SA recruits,  " How to give balls a firm shake ")

After an appropriate shake ( according to our expert, Gruppenfuhrer Rattenhuber,  the equivalent shaking used when dispatching an infant untermensch to " special treatment " , roughly 3 minutes,  of EXTREMELY rough shaking,  if in doubt see Rottenfuhrer Bllosche's diagram,  p 34 The Warsaw Ghetto is No More) pull out a ball.

Don't be a greedy gefreiter,  one ball is more than enough for Nazi Conspiracy Bingo 

Shout out the name 

NOW FOR THE FUN PART

Using each subsequent name invent a totally imaginary scenario. Linking the random names together in a plot to assassinate the jew puppet US President Kennedy. 

The higher the rank , and the more notorious ( or dead) the Nazi is...the more Nazi Conspiracy Bingo BRAUNie points you win

For example: " Reichsleiter Bormann met with Gruppenfuhrer Glucks,  FeldMarschall Keitel and Parteigenossen Streicher in a llama repair clinic in Lima, Peru to discuss employing his wife, a teenage welder from Chicago,  a one legged mentally unbalanced Native American,  the limo driver and Obersturmbannfuhrer Skorzeny to assassinate the Zionist pigdog " would win enough BRAUN ie points to invade Poland!!

At the end of the game, the first one to shout " ACHTUNG HAUS!" ( either by involving every Nazi executed st Nuremberg in the plot, or having the Fuhrer himself do the deed, in a dive bomb enabled flying saucer,  co piloted by Irme Greise and Harry Dean) gets awarded the Bingo Kreuz First Class 

SO ITS JAWOHL FROM HIM..

AND IT'S JAWOHL FROM ME

LET'S GET BUSY NAZI CONSPIRACY BINGO- ING!!

Before some communist pigdog works out the datebook is as fake as Judyth Vary Baker's Mein Kampf

The rules are simple.

Buy your ticket at the ticket desk.

Take a seat

The Commandant will draw names from the barrel.

If you find that name on your card, highlight it with your marker.

If you highlight all of your names before anyone else, stand and call HAUSIE! as loud as you can.

You will triple your prize if your card contains a Skorzeny, a Barbie and a Ken. But be warned, this is known as a FLYING FUCK, and they don't give those very often.

viel Glück! 


 

greg_parker wrote:The rules are simple.

Buy your ticket at the ticket desk.

Take a seat

The Commandant will draw names from the barrel.

If you find that name on your card, highlight it with your marker.

If you highlight all of your names before anyone else, stand and call HAUSIE! as loud as you can.

You will triple your prize if your card contains a Skorzeny, a Barbie and a Ken. But be warned, this is known as a FLYING FUCK, and they don't give those very often.

viel Glück! 


 

I look forward to hearing from the Coup's Legal Team of Dumas & McPhail LLC.

I just hope ( for the sake of the good folks in Kentucky,  their furred and feathered friends and , most especially those  cute little bob tailed critters) John Butler never gets the chance to study the graph/ Nazi Conspiracy Bingo card....

It would trigger ( at the very least) a flashback/ past life regression/ unlocking of a particularly messy episode of post Jungian collective trauma,  possibly even surpassing the notorious spate of home invasions/ aggravated indecent exposure after Stevie Gaal saw Ghostbusters for the first time ( Stevie,  dressed up in a homemade giant Marshmallow man costume would come bursting out of the refrigerator ( usually of a late middle aged widow) screaming aggressively,  while fondling his poorly applied "" fondant filling with a cherry topping), " I am the gatekeeper,  the keymaster and a squishy marshmallow flavoured treat"

It might even exceed the still highly classified multi city gut wobbling rampage that followed Stevie's first,  deeply traumatic exposure to " The Goonies " According to leaked Justice Department documents over 50 Hispanic prepubescents were brutally " truffle shuffled " to death 

Just picture Photo Analyst Extraordinaire Butler,  preparing to unleash his unique photo interpretation skills,  suddenly recoiling,  before collapsing in a gibbering,  twitching heap,  once again he's locked inside that bamboo cage, with a swarm of rats gnawing at his few remaining unnibbled bits,  once the acid kicks in his Vietcong interrogator turns into Yosemite Sam, then Klaatu,  then a giant pulsating Eye of Horus, finally transmogrifying into a massive puckered arsehole,  with rows of yellowed fangs and hordes of bloated crablike insectoid critters crawling out,  accompanied by his maws harsh disembodied cackle,  " Johnny now doncha go getting carnal with no one who ain't yet lawfully wedded kin,  and leave them forest critters be, unless you wanna end up like paw/ grandma/ Uncle Theophilus and Auntie Botulinum "

What exactly does clusters of coloured balls,  dangling from the end of random squiggly lines purport to prove? 

Maybe the datebook brigadistas have a sense of humour after all! Parodying us, parodying them. 

A more perfect visual exemplar of a Nazi Conspiracy Bingo card I cannot imagine. 

Or maybe it's the prototype Nazi Snakes and Laddrrs Board!

Talking about having a sense of humour: the hallowed haloed everyman genius,  otherwise known as Matthew Koch,  has been strutting his stuff. 

Credit where credit is due,  Robert Montenegro rose to the occasion and tore his risible " argument " to shreds...

However,  I couldn't help being reminded of the Young Ones,  or Student Grant from Viz, or Armstrong forbid,  Zippy and George from Rainbow having a political debate while Geoffrey was across at the pub...

M Koch may just have answered the age old philosophical conundrum: How can the hollow man get any hollower? When there's nothing left inside to hollow out...

Armstrong have mercy on us all